Emmett's RulesListContract
by kayle9
Summary: Very Funny knock off of the indifferent child of earth's " 51 thing Emmett Cullen is not allowed to do. Rated T for mild language and suggestive things.


Emmett Cullen is not allowed to: Edward's Clause

Sing anything in any form especially by Britney Spears

Or 100 bottles of grizzly blood on the wall, the nerve song, Doctor, Doctor

He must not even think about these songs ( For Edward's sake )

He must not imagine that he doing any type of dancing.

Imagine dancing the Macarena

Imagine Ed dancing the hula with Alice!

Imagine Ed dancing ballet with Rosalie…in a tutu.

Imagine Ed dancing the Macarena with Carlisle, Jasper, and Jacob

Imagine Carlisle in spandex.

Imagine Edward with his face red, his eyes yellow, and his hair green.

Scream 'ANNOY' in your mind.

Scream the words 'LETS ANNOY EDWARD' in your mind.

Stick the words 'Please annoy me…I need to get pissed!' on his back. Make sure words are written on sticky paper.

Tie-Dye the Volvo

Imagine Jasper in a superman costume.

Imagine Bella in a wolf costume.

Sing 'Doctor, Doctor,' in your mind with Carlisle.

Bring Ed to the garden. When you see Bella and Jacob talking, tell him that Jacob just proposed to Bella.

Tell Edward that Bella dumped him for Jacob.

Sing the song 'Barbie Girl' in your mind.

Hum "Smack That" when Bella walks by ( R.I.P. Emmett)

Prance around the house singing Madonna's 'Like a virgin' at the top of your lungs every morning.

Especially loud when Bella is around to hear it.

Running it by Charlie that Edward has been 'sleeping' with Bella for the past 2 years, at the wedding reception.

Hire a stripper to pop out of the wedding cake XD

Buy a sex-ed book and shove it in his locker, making sure that whenever he decides to open it that it falls out, in clear view of the school.

Make sure and tell Aro that Edward wants to elope with him.

Smear your blood all over his new car freshener. Blame it on Jacob

Program his locker to—whenever he opens it to sing (LOUDLY)

YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS, SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! HERE WE GO NOW! YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! GET HORNY NOW!

And repeat. Over and over and over.

Tell him it was Jacob's idea.

Show him the twilight trailer. Ask him if he's thinks that he looks like a pedophile or if it's just you.

Ask him where babies come from. Tell him he's stupid when he won't answer your question.

For his birthday give him a 100 McDonald's gift card, and get offended when he tells you he doesn't eat food.

Post his phone number and address on e-harmony.

Tell him Bella wants to elope with Paul.

Ask him why he likes watching Bella sleep. Call him a pervert.

Steal his Vanquish and program his radio to only play Lollipop –unedited of course. Make sure he can't turn it off or get it replaced.

Replace his ring tone with 'Outta my head' by Ashlee Simpson. Make sure he can't change it.

Color on all his Bella pictures with Permanent marker.

Refuse to replace them.

. Ask him to be a gangsta with you for Halloween.

Get offended when he refuses.

Take him to Victoria's Secret with Alice.

Constantly whisper in his ear "Chinese Fireball….ooooooooh!" (HP REFERENCE)

Ask him how his bath with Harry was (HP REFERENCE.).

Constantly remind him that he almost lost Bella to a dog.

Key his car. 'Jacob and Edward LURVE'

Get him on that show 'intervention'. Make sure everyone knows he addicted to heroin.

Tell him you have Bella as a witness if he denies it.

Picture yourself naked and covered in blood. Ask him if he wants you.

Call him a liar when he says no.

Throw boysenberry flavored muffins at him every time he tries to speak.

Tell him Bella is pregnant and eloping with Mike Newton.

Tell him you were kidding once he murders Mike.

Ask him if Charlie is secretly a unicorn.

Make him watch the twilight movie.

Ask him if he thinks Robert Pattinson is hot. When he says no, tell him he has low self esteem issues.

Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob.

Train the dog to follow him everywhere. P.S. Make sure he doesn't eat it.

Ask him why he's not as hot as Robert Pattinson.

Ask him if he's a virgin.

When he says yes, take a picture of him and tape it to the 40 year old virgin movie poster.

Make him watch Hairspray with you. Ask him why he's not as hot as Zac Efron.

When he says that he is, ask him why he wasn't the star of the singing high school people.

Tape porn to his walls.

Make sure Bella sees it.

Nail his CDS to the ceiling along with his Stereo.

Refuse to take them down.

Tell him Jacob thinks he's a sex god.

Tell him Jane thinks he's better than a sex god.

Start singing 'Paper cut' around him. Constantly.

General Clause:

Run through the school yelling, "OH MY GOD, HE'S HITTING ON ME!" and pointing at Jasper.

Prank call anyone. (This was outlawed after the pasta incident over the phone)

Scream "STOP STALKING ME!" and run around in circles after Bella says, "Hey Emmett, can you help me with something?"

The appropriate answer to the question, "Does this shirt make me look fat?" when asked by Alice is ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT "No."

On Halloween he is not allowed to dress up as Aro Volturi and say that he is very evil and ugly and creepy and old and gay.

The appropriate use of gasoline is ONLY for filling up his Jeep's tanks.

Windex is not a substitute for blood and should never be consumed. Even if you are immortal.

He is not a pretty pony and should not yell it to the school.

Carlisle is not a disco god and should never be called such.

Esme did not threaten the president with a place mat.

Jane should not be called cutie.

Jell-O is not an instrument of torture.

Tunics are for people from the seventeenth century

Sometimes, people like to hang out with the werewolves, no matter what Emmett says.

He is not ever allowed to buy shock collars for the werewolves.

He can never EVER get within a ten-mile radius of an atomic bomb, not after the 1937 incident on Area 51.

He is not actually from Saturn, no matter what he tells the children.

The sun is not going to explode and rain fire and cause ultimate doom if Emmett does his homework.

He is not allowed to quote children's books.

He is not allowed to pretend to be Indiana Jones.

Or Brittany Spears

Or Alice

Dynamite IS NEVER TO BE CONSUMED. EVER.

Sandwiches cannot be used as ploy bombs

Fireworks may have pretty colors, but the pretty colors will have consequences when set off in the police department.

Especially under Charlie's chair.

Jacob is not "a psychotic little wiener-rat-dog".

Emmett is not allowed to hum "Sexy Back" when someone else's girlfriend walks by.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should the Volturi spontaneously though that would be a favor to the world.

But it is not considered a favor to the world if Emmett positions himself on a podium with a huge sign that says "I'm Single".

Especially in the middle of an all-girl academy.

Jasper IS NOT GAY.

Carlisle NEVER robbed a bank.

Because Esme shot JFK is NOT why the Cullen's moved to Forks.

And he should NEVER tell ANYONE numbers 32,33,34

This list is not to be burned by Emmett.

Just so you know, raccoons ARE NOT weapons of mass destruction.

Voldemort IS NOT real.

And even if he was, his name would not be Aro Volturi, Alec Volturi, or Jane Volturi

Jane is (probably) not homo.

Emmett is not absolutely the sexiest man alive. He may come close. But he's not.

Matches are to be used only for lighting candles. Not Esme's good table cloth. Or the fuse on dynamite.

Snow globes are ONLY to be used for decoration.

Emmett is not the God of All Things Inappropriate. He may come close. But he's not.

He is not allowed to call Edward "a violent little boy" when Edward tries to attack him when Emmett thinks about Bella in a bikini.

Emmett is not allowed to change the time on any clock.

He is not allowed to perform surgery. Or transplants.

He is not allowed to hack into the president's email.

You are not a cop! Stop trying to arrest innocent civilians!

Stop stealing Chief Swan's uniform and badge

Pears cannot learn ALGEBRA!

Pears cannot learn ALGEBRA! Stop creating armies of vampire squirrels……and ordering them to Jasper……or the school

DO NOT publish your own newspaper!

That says Jasper is looking for girls to be in _Playboy_ and auditions are in the cafeteria during lunch!

And That Edward and Bella are really a cover-up, and that Bella is with Alice, and Edward is with you (Emmett)!

STOP pretending to bite Bella! Especially when Edward is around!

Don't picture making out with Bella when Edward is around

Replacing Edward's Debussy music on his iPod with songs like, "Smack That," "Sexy Back," and "I kissed a girl"

Stop telling people Carlisle got Bella PREGNANT!

Drop Rosalie's brush in the toilet and blame Bella (Great, a cat fight!)

Take pictures of yourself naked……Post them on the internet……and claim that Aro Volturi took them……and that Aro took them because Carlisle wanted them for '_personal'_ reasons

Take a photo of Edward and Bella kissing……And Photo shop Mike Newton's face onto Bella's body……Show the whole school the picture……And scream, "Edward and Mike Newton are GAY LOVERS!" all over the school, via the PDA system

Tell Bella that Edward had a couple of 'flings' with Tanya from the Denali clan

Tell Alice that Jasper told him he thinks she's fat

Claim he's _spider pig_ and climb the walls

Tell Alice she looks fat whenever she wears pink or yellow (causing her to re-paint her Porsche Turbo 911 a neon-green)……Then tell her you meant green when you said yellow

Wear Rosalie's bra's on your head to school

Send Aro Volturi a letter and a photo shopped picture of Caius and Marcus making out- causing the Volturi to chase the Cullen's and Bella for a while

Tell Mike Newton that Bella is secretly in love with him

Hang human's on the school's flag pole by their underpants

Steal Bella's clothes while she's taking a shower

Take over the school's PDA system and talk about yours and Rosalie's sex life

Kiss Jasper in the cafeteria

Tell the whole school that Alice, Rosalie, and Bella have sex, threesome, all the time

Bejewel the butt on all of Edward's pants, and it says, "My butt is the property of Emmett Cullen"

Tell Bella that Edward died when he's really just running late to school

Tell Bella that before Esme joined the family, Edward and Carlisle had a gay relationship

Harass the employees at Wal Mart

Give all the girl's at school Edward's number and then claim Edward is secretly in love with them

Tell Jessica Stanley that Edward thinks she's sexy

Shove Bella's food into Jasper's mouth in the cafeteria, forcing him to eat it while humans watch

Run through the school screaming, "OH MY GOD! ALICE CULLEN HAS A GUN!"

Whip stuff at Mike Newton's face (unless he's hitting on Bella )

Stop using "O-M-G, GIRL! That is _sooo_ BI-YATCH!" as a response to everything; including the answers to the questions your teacher's ask

Stop pole dancing……And using Edward or Jasper as your pole!

Stop making up your own songs……especially ones called "I kissed Jasper!"And singing them over the PDA system at school

Stop following Mike Newton around……and telling him you're in love with him

Stop asking Bella if you can borrow some tampons _very loudly_ in the cafeteria.

Lift up a school bus full of second graders sans bus driver in order to 'rescue' a penny.

Challenge anyone to a Yu-Gi-Oh duel and have a temper tantrum when he loses.

Attempt to give Bella the 'Talk'.

Inform Alice that chartreuse is the new pink.

Launch a potato at Edward.

Order Jasper to stop giving him those dirty emotions when he's around Esme.

Tell everyone that he's pregnant...and that Esme is the father.

Streak through his house with 'bite me' written on his ass in whipped cream.

Streak through the school with 'bite me' written on his ass in whipped cream.

Streak. Or be allowed within three feet of whipped cream.

Imagine Bella naked when Edward's in the room for the sole purpose of pissing Edward off

Things Emmett Shouldn't say:

Oh my gosh girlfriend, are we still on for the mall on Saturday?

ARGGGG I be a pirate from mars!!

What happened to your hand, Bella, fall again?

Oh my gosh…….. Chicken nuggets!

OWWWWW!! ALICE HIT MY FAT!!

Pissssssssssst, Bella, lets tie-dye Edward's Volvo!

Shoot me! (Edward: BAM!!) GAH!! IM DEAD (Falls over)

WFT?! What do you mean Santa Clause isn't real?!

(English Accent) Ello chap, pip pip cherrio mate!

WELL POOOOOP!!

"O-M-G, GIRL! That is _sooo_ BI-YATCH!"

Confessions of EMMETT CULLEN

1. I stole Edward's diary and read it—he caught me…and wrestled…half away from me. I got the first half, and posted it on the internet. You might have read it, it's called Midnight Sun…I named it that….because Ed's a flamer.

2. I put Riddlin in Sarah Tailor's (Jasper's lab partner) coke, during lunch. Jasper was depressed all 5th period.

3. I went to the wilderness store on Saturday and told Mike Newton that "Bella left Edward" for him and I was there for "moral support"

4. I played "Barbie Girl" over the school intercom-and said "Edward requested this"

5. I stole one pair of Bella's "days of the week" underwear (Tuesday) and replaced it with a Monday, it took her two weeks to figure it out... (Secretly, I think she went commando on Tuesdays)

6. I replaced Alice's limitless credit card with on with a $100 limit. Before she went shopping.

7. I went down to the local elementary school and got the register. I mailed out Hogwarts school acceptance letters to every kid in the 5th grade.

Sometimes around 3 o'clock in the morning—I sneak into some teenage girl Twilight fans' windows—and wait for them to wake up so I can yell "NOT EDWARD" and then leave.

9. I switched Bella's birth control pills with skittles before she went on her honeymoon...and we all know what came of the honeymoon.

Important note:

I find myself laughing more than anything when I do these types of things. I often end up with some kind of punishment. I.e. sentences, community service and or time outs. Esme's been giving me daily rule and manners reminders these days. All it does is let me know what type of mood she's in. For example- if Esme says "you be good today – try to stay out of trouble" this is a good day to plan something creative. However….if she says "Don't mess with me today Emmett McCarty Cullen" well…..that's the day I stick to more conventional methods of torture: i.e. Trading homework with a student with better grades.

General Clause 2:

Buy any of the werewolves shock collars.

Insist that Rosalie finds shadow puppets seductive.

Wear that fairy princess costume ever again.

Poke Edward. And then, after he twitches, proceed to call him Twitchy the Vampiric Squirrel for the next decade.

Turn a fruit basket in his legion of the undead.

Declare himself the President of the World and attempt to smite any who disobey him.

Steal nuclear warheads from the government under the guise of 'fixing' them.

Tell people that the CIA is monitoring his cell phone/laptop, even if they are. For the third time this decade.

Comment loudly on Bella's sexual repression. Especially in the school cafeteria.

Inform everyone that Edward and Bella are perfect for each other because they have the same disturbing kinks.

Walk up to Caius singing 'The Werewolves of London'.

Sing ' Miss New Booty' whenever Bella walks by.

Sing 'I Can Tell You Wanna F*** ' whenever Rosalie walks by.

Sing 'Barbie Girl ' whenever Alice walks by.

Sing 'Let Me Love You ' whenever Esme walks by.

Run and claim sanctuary with the Volturi as Edward, Jasper, Carlisle, and Rosalie come after him for it.

Declare himself the school Pimp and round up a group of girls (and guys) to follow him around the school, referring to them fondly as his 'ho's'.

Watch Blue's Clues. Ever. Again.

Impersonate Fergie. You do realize that song is taboo now, right?

Attempt to seduce a teacher.

Enroll the whole family, Bella included, in therapy.

Put Jacob on a leash, walk him around town, appear at Billy's house in La Push, and demand his dog-walking money.

While watching a football game, leap up and scream, "IT WAS COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE KITCHEN WITH THE LEAD PIPE!" and sit back down as if nothing happened

Ask Bella to make an X-rated movie with him.

Run out of the cafeteria screaming, "I thought we had something SPECIAL!" when Bella sits down in front of him eating a piece of pizza.

walk around at Halloween labeling little kids wannabes

dye Rosalie's hair a different color – and blame it on Alice

take any experimental pills of Carlisle's

run into the school and yelling, 'Help it's the end of the world Rosalie lost her hairbrush.

steal Edward's car and give it a joyride – ever

attempt to hack into the CIA's headquarters to steal top secret plans

go to the Principal with Nessie and have her tell him she caught Edward and Bella doing X-Rated things in the janitors closet...

call Mike Newton saying that Bella and Edward want them to have a threesome

go around telling people that Carlisle is actually Voldemort...

give Renesmee a card with a picture of the Loch N

ess monster on it

turn up at Carlisle's hospital, running through the corridors screaming, Daddy? DADDY WHERE ARE YOU? In fact, just generally do not visit Carlisle at work for any reason unless it is an emergency

sit in the middle of the road meditating – it doesn't matter if you're indestructible or not

start sobbing hysterically at lunch saying that I'm fat, ugly Monster

tell Renesmee that late at night once she's fallen asleep her parents are up making lots of other little Renesmee's

go running around after Edward singing love songs, pretending he broke your heart

graffiti _anywhere_ saying 'Carlisle is too sexy for his shirt'

ring the police saying that you've seen a large amount of guns hidden in the back of Edward's Volvo

tell people that Carlisle and Esme kidnapped you as a child and that you've been raised to be incapable of love

report Carlisle as a suspected terrorist

go around screaming that Edward was trying to seduce you

replace any of Edward's CD's with any Britney Spears or Katy Perry songs

try to take Jacob for a walk with a leash

Walk around school in a bear costume telling everyone 'You Are What You Eat'

Convince myself I have a twin

Cross the Quileute border just to see what happens

Play with matches

Ask Jasper to make Edward feel insecure and then tell Edward that Bella's having an affair with Mike

Walk into Alice and Jasper's room when they're "doing it" and say: "Oh sorry. Wrong room!"

Steal Edward and Jasper's clothes while they're in the shower after Gym

Put Any Family videos On You tube.

Don't tell anyone that Jasper is really Brittany Spears

tell Charlie that Edward use to sleep in Bella's room.

To Rap, Whatever you like by T.I.

Dump all of Edward's CDs into the dump, and make him go find all of them.

Put Orange Dye in Rosalie's shampoo.

Steal Esme's Home Depot membership card, and told her that they nullified it.

Take all of Alice's makeup, and put ink in all of them.

Tell Carlisle there's a new type of cancer, and give him a fake webpage that leads to Victoria Secret's homepage to thongs instead.

Paint Edward's car a bright pink, then write on the side: "I LOVE MR. FLUFFY-KINS." with a teddy bear.

Tell Alice that the mall in Port Angelos is permenately closed.

Gather bugs and put them into Rosalie's wardrobe, and stay away from your room.

Take away all of Alice's hairspray, and replace with bug spray.

Threaten to burn Edward's piano unless he does the can-can, in Esme's best dress.

Tell Alice that really Jasper replaced her hairspray.

Paint Esme's room to look like something from Halo.

Take all of Carlisle's medical research and say that you sold them on e-Bay for one cent.

Get all of Alice's clothes, and put them under the floorboards along with her credit cards.

Put a poster of Union soldiers, and write "UNION BEATS CONFEDERATE" in Jasper's room, and say that Edward did it.

Get pictures of all the girls in the school, then write a note: "I love you--from Edward," imitate his handwriting, and give it to all the girls in the school.

Watch Edward get mobbed by girls from the school, then tell him that Alice did it.

Go on Edward and Jasper's files in Need for Speed, until they loose all their territories.

Paint Alice's room black.

Prepare to be mobbed, and possibly murdered by the Cullen clan, then blame it all on Carlisle.

Alice's Revenge list ( Just so Emmett doesn't attempt this )

20. Mess up Edward's music collection, put them in random order, as well as adding Brittney Spears, Backstreet Boys,Jessica Simpson, and Paris Hilton to the mix and watch horror spread through his face.

19. Call up Jessica Stanley and say Edward would love to go on a date with her.

18. Give grizzly bears tranquilizers as Emmett tries to hunt them.

17. Put on earplugs, and put "Stars are Blind" on full volume, and sprint out of the house, as everyone come after you fists raised.

16. Give away the Ps2, Nintendo 64, Nintendo Wii, Ps1, Ps3, Game Cube, XBox, Xbox 360, as well as the rest of them to Mike Newton.

15. Go on youtube and put on William Hung's video of She Bangs, and bash the keyboard, and etc. Until it's impossible to change the video, or shut the computer off.

14. Get Jasper to help, and tie Emmett to a chair, as you put a blond wig on him, red lipstick, and green eyeshadow, then take pictures. Blackmail for your credit cards back.

13. Clean out Edward's wardrobe, and put in dresses, skirts, blouses, bras, and of course panties.

12. Put tampons in Emmett's schoolbag, and watch the horror on his face when they spill out in school.

11. Ask Rosalie to make Edward's car run at 45mph max.

10. Make Emmett read an entire dictionary, threatening you'll rip apart his jeep if he doesn't.

9. Paint all of Edward's keyboard on the piano black.

8. Whenever Edward's in the room, keep reciting George W. Bush's most idiotic comments in different languages.

7. Make Emmett sing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt" in five different languages, or you'll burn his favorite "baseball" bat

6. Tell Edward his future consists of him suddenly liking music by Hilary Duff unless he burns all his 50's music.

5. Photoshop pictures of Emmett and a teddybear, and post the pictures all over the school.

4. Spray paint all of Emmett's wardrobe puke green.

3. Tell Emmett the new Zelda game comes out next morning at 5am, watch him run out to the gamestore, and make the rest of the family get out, as you lock all the doors, windows included, and watch him stand outside of the house.

2. Get Jasper, and Rosalie to help you tie Edward down as you put on a tutu, and take pictures. Post it on the internet.

1. Grab Jasper and go on "vacation" to Africa, so you won't have to face the wrath of your two older brothers.

General Emmett Clause 2

Steal Rosales makeup and wear it too school

Help Alice give Bella a makeover

Kiss Bella

Steal Bella's clothes when she's in the shower

Imagine Edward changing Bella with him around

Tell Esme to help out at the school bake sale and tell Carlisle to be on standby for when everyone dies from food poising

Paint the house pink

Paint Esme's room orange with green race cars

Paint Alice's room blue with pixies on it

Pain Edwards room black and write 'Bella's room' on the door (he mite hug you so tightly he crushes you)

Dye Rosalie's hair blue and say 'Wow! What happened?'

Tell Rosalie you kissed Leah (Leah might not live)

Tell Seth Bella loves him

Imagine Bella Kissing Seth around Edward and say its true

Wear Bella, Rosalie, Alice or Esme's underwear to school over his clothes and say 'I'm Gay!!'

Change Mike Newton into a vampire so he can annoy Bella forever

Sing 'I'm singing in the rain' in you head to drive Edward mad.

Pretend to hide something in your head to make Edward curious

Go into the sun at school in front of everyone

Kiss a girl at school in front of Rosalie (you mite both die)

Tell the Volturi Bella/Alice wants to join them

Pretend to love Alice around Jasper

Change Charlie

Pretend to hide something in your head to make Edward curious then pretend to slip when saying the Russian alphabet backwards and reveal the thing his hiding. Him with Rosalie singing karaoke to Bella until she goes deaf from their awful singing. .

Imagine killing Bella (around Edward)

Knock Bella out and dress her in a Goth costume. When Edward finds her he'll have a heart attack.

Dress up as a girl and model. When Rosalie finds him on the cover of Vogue she'll flip.

Get Rosalie locked in the psycho ward for believing in vampires

Tell everyone Alice is nuts and has visions

Cheat on Rosalie with Tanya.

cook food

make poisonous cupcake to sell at the schools fare

crash Bella's wedding

Forget the rings.

Read

Drag race

Operate on Bella because she fell down the stars and Eddy wasn't home.

Give Bells skittles

Make her sugar high

Paint everyone in town's nails pink.

Paint werewolf's nails pink

Join a war

Make a war against the Volturi

Appear in Rosalie's spot on vogue.

Play Chess

Beat Bella in an arm wrestle

outrun Edward

Steal Alice's clothes

Give Alice a makeover.

Burn Alice's clothes

wear Rosalie's makeup

Tell the town she's gay

Sing 'I'm a little teapot' in front of the school on talent day.

Steal Edward clothes while he's in the shower

Do the same to the rest of the family

Chang Mike Newton into an evil Volturi

Causing the Volturi to go insane and hand power over to the Cullens.

Create Immortal children for Rosalie.

Steal Mikes clothes while he's in the shower at school

Steal the principal's pants in front of the school at assembly

Crush the school so he doesn't have to go

Dress up medieval and apply for a job at Wal-Mart

Steal the governor's pants on live TV in front of the country.

Throw a shoe at the governor on TV.

Pretend to be Hitler's reincarnation.

read Twilight

write fanfics/twilight

email Bella

Tell her snow eats you.

Make a cake full of rocks for Bella

Have erotic dreams about Jacob will with Rosalie.

Paint Carlisle face black and claim he a Goth.

Put on drag and walk through London asking people to call him Betty.

Buy Edward mountain lion pyjamas for Christmas.

Read the Bunny story (another one of our stories called the unfortunate tale of a vampire named Emmet) to Renesme.

When Bella and Edward are having a (private) moment upstairs do not burst in saying that Jasper is gay.

Wear tight leather pants.

Grow his hair and tell everyone he wants to be Ozzy Osborn.

Start having Salsa lessons with Jasper.

Walk through the house and streets naked claiming that he's doing freedom of expression.

Emmett's numbered Offenses ( Not to be repeated )

1. Forcefully dress Carlisle in a disco suit...

2. And then ask him if Barry Manilow knows he raided his wardrobe

3. Steal all of Bella's bras...

4. And then wear the raciest one over his shirt to school...

5. And claim that he did it to make a statement about gender stereotypes

6. Panse Edward as he's walking to class...

7. Especially in front of a crowd of lust-filled girls

8. Refer to Esme as "The Stepford Wife"

9. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's piano

10. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's car

11. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's girlfriend (Bella)

12. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward

13. Claim any of numbers 9 to 12 loudly in the cafeteria

14. Refer to Jasper's empathy as "Jasper's feminine problem"

15. Paint Alice's 911 Turbo a color other than yellow

16. Ask Rosalie if he she thinks he needs a breast reduction, so that his chest will be smaller than hers

17. Tell anyone who will listen that there really is a Voldemort...

18. And that his real name is Aro Volturi

19. Offically declare the third Saturday of every month "Seduce Carlisle Day"

20. Threaten to exsanguinate anybody who annoys him with his "vampire fangs"

21. Repeatedly sing "I've got a lovely bunch of cocnuts" using items such as Edward's ego, Alice's butt, Bella's klutziness and Jasper's sensitivity as the size of the last coconut

22. Call Debussy "elevator music" in front of Edward

23. Hold Alice's favorite pair of shoes over her head so she has to jump for them

24. Tell everyone that he's pregnant...

25. And the baby's Esme's

26. Call all Texans a bunch of hicks in front of Jasper

27. Wear Rosalie's make up and clothes to school...

28. And then fake sob and tell the guidance counselor that he feels like his family is pressuring him to be with Rosalie, and that he's unsure of his sexuality and who he really is

29. Sing "No Sleep Tonight" when Edward leaves to go watch Bella sleep

30. Call Alice a munchkin and offer her a lollipop for being such a cute little girl

31. Hum the Jaws theme song whenever Alice walks by

32. Start yelling the lyrics of Kelly's Txt Message Break Up at Edward randomly, while pretending like Edward really broke up with him and it's not a song

33. Tell the NSA that he overheard Carlisle make a threat on the President's life

34. Ask little girls in a creepy voice if they like puppies

35. Pretend to fall asleep in class...

36. And then pretend to be having a wet dream in which Jasper is the star...

37. Especially when Jasper is sitting in the desk next to his

38. Dye his hair blonde...

39. And then tell everyone blondes really do have more fun

40. Imagine Bella naked in Edward's presence just to annoy him

41. Paint mustaches on all of Carlisle's paintings of people

42. Replace all of Esme's cleaning supplies with paint

43. Start a Vampires Anonymous group...

44. And invite all the goth/emo kids at school to join

45. Sing "I'm Too Sexy"

46. Dance to "I'm Too Sexy"

47. Speak only in third person for days

48. Sob hysterically at lunch about how fat he is, and announce he's going on a diet

49. Write things such as "Prada is 4 prudes" and "Dolce & Gabbana is crap" all over Alice's school books

50. Tell Bella's friends that Bella and Edward are both into really kinky exhibitionist stuff, it's why they're soooo perfect for each other

51. Emmett is not allowed to swat flies with a meat tenderizer

Part 2

1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay...

2. ...And that he has a crush on Jasper...

3. ...or Carlisle

4. Tell Alice that pink really isn't her color

5. Attempt to juggle with Esme's china

6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her

7. Microwave Peeps...

8. ...and leave them in Jasper's favorite book

9. Call Bella's mom and tell her "The baby's doing okay" and that Bella and Edward asked him to be godfather

10. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation

11. Use the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

12. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation while using the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

13. In fact, Emmett is not even allowed to think about snapping his fingers in 'Z' formation, saying "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease," or doing both at the same time

14. Try and start a nudist colony in a school bathroom...

15. ...and invite the teachers giving him detention/trying to get him to put his clothes back on to join...

16. ...and then tell the Guidance Counselor that Rosalie's hair told him to do it

17. Paint Edward's Volvo tie-dye...

18. ...and then say it was Bella's idea

19. Sing any songs generally associated with Gwen Stefani...

20. ...or Britney Spears

21. Sing "Ninety-nine bottles of grizzly blood on the wall.."

22. Furthermore, he not allowed to sing. Period.

23. Wear a tu-tu and tell everyone to call him Princess Butterfly

24. Liberate (i.e. steal) every pet in town...

25. ...and then sell them back to their owners...

26. ...after shaving them and gluing sequins on them

27. Attempt to turn inanimate objects, such as pieces of fruit, into vampires

28. Claim aforementioned 'vampire fruit' as his army of loyal minions...

29. ...and try to get them to attack Jasper...

30. ...then throw the 'vampire fruit'/army of loyal minions at Jasper when they do not attack

31. Call Carlisle 'Gramps'...

32. ...especially after Carlisle tells him to turn off his crappy music

33. Steal Rosalie's stuffed animals and make X-rated movies with them

34. Steal all of Alice's left socks, fill them with rocks and throw them in a river

35. Run through the school naked with "Momma's boy" written on his chest in whipped cream

36. Make subtle innuendos about Edward's sexual repression

37. Make obvious innuendos about Edward's sexual repression

38. Burst into tears and run from the room crying after wailing "I thought we had something special!" when Bella asks him to pass the salt at lunch

39. Write children's books (examples: 'Fun, Five Letter Words to Know and Share'; 'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'; 'Curious George and the High Voltage Fence')

40. Convince Esme that Home Depot has gone out of business and is closing

41. Wear leather pants (no matter how good he looks in them)

42. Scratch " 3MM3TT K!CK$ A$$" onto walls...

43. ...and then deny all knowledge of it

45. Dress up in the school mascot uniform and then tackle Edward and Jasper

46. Dye his hair black, wear glasses,carry around a stick and tell hordes of 4th graders he is the real Harry Potter

47. Change any of his male family member's ring tone to "Barbie Girl"

48. Wear Rosalie's underwear around the house (even if the whole family was watching Rocky Horror Picture Show)

49. Replace all of Edward's CDs with bologna slices

and finally...

50. EMMETT CULLEN MUST NEVER EVER TELL ALICE THAT SHE HAS TOO MANY SHOES!

Emmett Must Remember:

1. He is not Harry Potter, even if the 4th graders think he is

2. He is not to refer to Bella as 'that cute, clumsy, little meal on legs'

3. Rosalie's hair does not tell him things

4. Neither does Carlisle's

5. The only proper response to a Alice's question of "Does this make me look fat?" is 'No.'

6. Nudist colonies only exist in France

7. His name is Emmett, not The All Powerful One

8. Or Princess Butterfly

9. Or Sex-ay Thang

10. It is illegal to set Walmart on fire

11. And that "But fire is so pretty" is not a good excuse for setting aforementioned fire

12. He is not, in fact, 'Fergalicious'

13. Nor is he a 'Barbie Girl' (but he is bringing Sexy Back)

14. The CIA does not have his cell phone tapped

15. There is no such phobia as omeworkophobia (fear of excessive homework)

16. And telling his teacher he has omeworkophobia will not get him out of detention for not doing his homework

17. Neither will offering to give him or her a lap dance

18. Edward will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Bella walks by

19. Jasper will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Alice walks by

20. Carlisle will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Esme walks by

21. He may not hum 'Smack That' as Rosalie walks by because they may not have sex in front of the whole family and/or school

22. It is wrong to tell freshman that all the students in their grade who fail are killed and used as cafeteria food the next year

23. Alice and Bella are not having a lesbian affair and it is wrong to tell everyone at school that

24. He doesn't hear people's thoughts (that's Edward)

25. He doesn't see the future (that's Alice)

26. Rosalie does not think hand puppets are seductive

27. The squirrells are not out to get him

28. Neither is Bella's cereal

29. Or the CIA

30. Fences are meant to keep people out, not to be pretty

31. He is not allowed to take over the school intercom and confesws his undying love of Rosalie's hair

31. Nor is he allowed to take over the school intercom with the purpose of singing "Super Freak" by Rick James for the school's entertainment

32. He's just not allowed to take over the school intercom at all

33. Rules are not written as guidelines, they are actually rules, despite what Johnny Depp believes

34. No one wants to hear about what happened on Days of Our Lives yesterday

35. Abandoned refrigerators are not portals to other worlds

36. And he needs to stop telling little children they are

37. Bella does not think it's funny when he stuffs her tampons in his nose and jumps out at her from where he was hiding in her closet

38. Neither does her father

39. Or Edward

40. It is wrong to run through an airport screaming "BOMB! BOMB! HE HAS A BOMB!" while pointing at Carlisle

42. He should not steal Jasper's Confederate uniform

43. Then claim he lost it, and offer to buy him a Union uniform

44. And then return Jasper's uniform months later, after adding beads, sequins and Girl Scout patches to it

45. He is not from "the hood" and he is not a "gangsta"

46. He must stop writing 'For a good time, call Edward Cullen' on the school's boy's bathroom walls

47. Edward has no comment on the status of his virginity

48. Nor does Bella

49. He is forbidden to take naked pictures of Edward and email them to the whole school

50. He embarrasses himself, and his family when he plays "Lord of the Onion Rings" at lunch

" Do you think that this covers everything? " asked Esme.

" It should. " said Bella.

Just then Emmett burst into the Cullen's kitchen carrying eight steak glasses. He said " Hey look guys! They are perfect for black eyes! "

" Umm, Emmett? We don't get black eyes. Remember? " said Edward

Emmett started to think very, very deeply. _Who gets black eyes? Humans. Humans! Who is a human? Bella.... BELLA!!!_

Edward whispered something in Bella's ear before proceeding to drag Emmett out of the room.

Bella walked up to the Contract/List/Rules and added

51. Emmett Cullen is not allowed to give Bella a Black Eye

51. He is not allowed to convince people to wear his steak glasses.


End file.
